I do not want to excoriate this film. I have a fondness for zero-budget film making, band-of-friends sort of stuff. HUGE fan of Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter for a good example (also a fine Canadian film), or Demon Squad. Fun stuff that doesn’t take itself too seriously and is obviously, at least in part, just a bright lark.
This film is apparently an Andrich family project, by the credits. And when I say zero budget, I mean it. The entire soundtrack is Kevin MacLeod royalty-free tracks. And it’s … okay. Just okay. Not a lot of fun, even though it’s trying for humor. What’s missing? We’ll talk about that, because I think it’s useful to talk about.
Patrick (Jordan Guay), a young videographer, is laid off due to the Covid pandemic. Throughout he wears a mask and challenges others on it. It is unclear whether the point-of-view of the film thinks this is good or not. It is unclear WHAT the POV of the film is, in fact. Patrick is hired by Tom (Paul Andrich), a secular exorcist, to video his work. Reluctantly, Patrick (or Pat, as Tom calls him in a running gag) takes the job, even though the interview process is very sketchy.
Meanwhile, a trio of let’s-say-Satanists are tracking down artifacts (ancient, though obvious modern props) that will allow them to find the four horsemen of the apocalypse and open a portal to usher in the Dark Lord.
Obviously, they cross paths.
Let’s start with the actual nuts and bolts of the film. It was obviously recorded with a modern video camera, with focus and exposure set to auto. The settings all appear to be someone’s actual home, with clutter and decor undesigned. Just take it as it comes. And the soundtrack, as mentioned, is royalty-free stuff found on the internet from one of the most famous royalty-free music sites there is. Lighting, as well, is clearly as-found. Combat is shot to avoid any real action, and it looks like the whole film, despite repeated hammer murders and eye gouging, used about a half-ounce of fake blood.
None of which is particularly damning.
The humor is pretty weak, but that’s more because the acting is so bland than because there aren’t some solid jokes in there. And even bland acting isn’t the final nail in the coffin. I’ve definitely seen movies that were somewhat enjoyable with wooden acting. The original Silent Hill game had some of the worst voice acting in any media ever, and I just love it.
What’s really missing is chemistry.
What does “chemistry” actually mean in this context? Well, it’s tough to define. It’s about the actors being aware of each other, focused on each other, reacting to each other, in scripted ways yes, but also in expression, direction of gaze, micro posture. It can be faked, sure, but that’s a lot of moving parts, and as human creatures it’s a lot easier to connect with people in order to portray connecting with people.
These actors perform like they’re in separate rooms even when they’re talking together. I feel like they answered an ad and just met the day shooting started.
It feels like the filmmakers just don’t care. And so we, the viewers don’t care. Ed Wood famously made some horrendous movies, but he was passionate about them. He cared. He just didn’t know how to make them work. And he loved his actors, and loved his films, and was utterly unfazed by critical excoriation.
There’s no hate speech. So I won’t give it a zero. I reserve that for hatemonger propaganda films. And there are some good parts, mostly when Damien (Susan Loewen), leader of the cult, is on screen. So not a 1, either.
