A *highly* subpar lead performance is probably the weakest element of the whole production, sorry to say, but between the direction, music, supporting cast, and every other aspect that together makes a film there are no saving graces to be found. This isn’t scary, suspenseful, shocking, thrilling, or anything of the sort–it’s mind-numbingly boring then limps off with a whimper.

Stand-up comedian Myles (Steve Vanderzee) has a make-or-break kind of show at the Pantages theater performing the opening warm up for Reggie Ray (Lowell Deo), a once mighty comedian who’s come down a few pegs. Or at least that’s what his agent, Nelson (Eric Stone), keeps trying to hammer home. Upon arrival Myles meets theater director Donna (Angela DiMarco), no fan of stand-up comedy herself, before getting a brief rundown from crew members Bethany (Meranda Long) and Andy (Marcus Leppard) on the night’s setup. A masked, knife-wielding figure has more murder-based plans for the evening (as Myles soon discovers) so he’ll have to weigh his make-or-break night of comedy against a life-or-death situation to learn if a thriving career or surviving the night holds greater value.

Bad omens kick things off right away, unfortunately, with an opening scene of Myles bombing at a barren club that establishes immediately Steve Vanderzee isn’t up to the task of shouldering a movie nor is the lazy script. Myles being an unfunny comedian isn’t the problem, it’s that Vanderzee already sounds & looks like he’s acting with every facial movement and line reading so where can you really go from there? He doesn’t improve as the movie drags on, either, and the script is no better. Viewers are in for awkwardly delivered exposition from someone who apparently exists solely for that purpose, another character who may as well have been named Red Herring, useless flashbacks that lift right out, increasingly non-human reactions to being stabbed or assaulted, and a molasses-like pace that meanders around a silent theater with no build up or momentum to anything.

I want to linger on a couple of those things a moment, specifically non-human reactions and silence. The number of people who silently watch themselves get sliced, stabbed, or otherwise wounded then die slowly verges on bizarre. Nobody screams for help or even just in pain–surely because should anyone yell like a banshee as they’re being murdered backstage others might be on notice which certainly involves a bit more effort than people simply waiting their turn to quietly die. I don’t know if it’s because everything else came up so short and they look great by comparison, but I want to single out Meranda Long and Marcus Leppard. Meranda plays Bethany and while her part isn’t a huge she at least feels natural, relaxed, and at-home. I imagine she could be pretty good given a role to shine. Her frequent scene partner Marcus Leppard also manages to seem like a regular guy instead of a person who memorized these lines to say in front of the camera so kudos to them.

So, who would enjoy this? Hm. Some family or friends or those involved might say nice things because they don’t want to be jerks, but this complete misfire isn’t worth anyone else’s time.

3 out of 10 Limp Whimpers