If you’re a fan of naked flesh and blood fountains, then, kids, this was the episode for you.

THIS ARTICLE IS SPOILERRIFIC!

Episode 6: Room 33

Flashback to 1926: The Countess visits a doctor (who lives in a very familiar house, heh heh) who has been rumored to “take care” of problems like hers: she’s pregnant. And, even though she claims to only be three weeks in, her belly is distended and she’s ready to pop. The doctor preps her for the table.

But what starts out as a late-late-late-term abortion, ends quite differently. In a scene reminiscent of “It’s Alive,” she gives birth to a monstrous baby boy, who quickly and violently kills the attending nurse. Oddly, the doctor holds the baby up proudly, not scared or squeamish at all, and the Countess cradles her child lovingly.

Detective Lowe wakes up to find his son, Holden, in bed with him. Holden runs off, giggling, and Lowe groggily chases after him, into the empty swimming pool area. Lowe goes from coffin to coffin, looking at the children inside. The last coffin also has his wife inside. He collapses and passes out.

Sexy time with Liz and Tristan.  A very tender moment, actually, between the two men. Even though they both are sure they aren’t gay, there is a strong attraction there between the “hetero girl” inside Liz and the very male model. They worry what the Countess will think if/when she finds out.

Speak of the devil, the Countess (who is trying to have her own sexy time with the gay Will Drake) texts Tristan to come on up and “help” them out. Tristan reluctantly acquiesces.

Dr. Alex seeks Liz’s help, now that Lowe has discovered the sleeping chamber. Liz tells her to grab a broom and dustpan, and they go off to get rid of the coffins. Later, Alex wakes up Lowe, who insists the coffins are there. He leads her to the empty swimming pool and: no coffins. Liz and Alex have destroyed them.

Meanwhile, the Countess walks into Room 33, where her son, Bartholomew, is resting in his crib, under a black veil. She lifts him up, says she’s going to Paris for a time, and will be very rich again when she returns.

Donovan and Ramona waltz into the hotel, intending to do some harm to the Countess, but are shocked to find the coffins gone. Iris and Ramona commiserate about the Countess, that bitch.  Iris agrees to kill the kids, but Ramona wants the key to Room 33 herself.

Donovan, who has chickened out on Ramona’s plans, goes up to the penthouse to literally sniff the Countess’s panties. The dead Swedish tourists from the first episode show up, lamenting that they can’t find a way out of the hotel. Donovan tells them they can’t ever leave, but if they find their “purpose,” they can at least break up the tedium.

Ramona goes to room 33 to kill Bartholomew, but he attacks her and manages to escape. Liz shows up to the room with his dinner, only to find the door ajar. Bartholomew is gone.

Ramona nurses her wounds with Liz, who tells her of his newfound love. Ramona recommends that they run away, since she knows the Countess does not share her possessions.

The Swedish girls get some naked time with Mr. Woo (some random guy staying at the hotel), and they kill the heck out of him, looking for their purpose. They still feel unfulfilled and empty. Alex walks in, listens to their story, and suggests that breaking peoples’ minds is much better.

Lowe is spiraling down. He’s lost his wife, his kids, his badge…he’s having a meltdown and when Liz tries to help him out, he pushes her away and runs straight into the undead Swedes and straight into bed with the both of them. By the end of this vigorous threesome, Lowe is covered in blood and is going crazy. The Swedes are happy to have found their purpose, and James March appears to congratulate Lowe on getting into the “spirit” of things. Wildly, Lowe starts banging himself against the walls, then pulls out his suitcase. He’s getting out of the Cortez while he still can.

But he’s still covered in blood. Gotta clean up. While he’s showering, Bartholomew jumps into Lowe’s suitcase and hides. Oh my. Lowe picks up his neglected daughter from a friend and takes her home. She is understandably annoyed at having been ignored and handed off from person to person over the past few days. After Lowe tries to comfort her, he notices that his suitcase is open and clothes are strewn everywhere.  He grabs a gun and goes on the hunt for whatever hitched a ride. While his daughter is watching cartoons, he sees Bartholomew and shoots at it, many times. His daughter screams in fright and runs upstairs. Lowe sees a trail of blood (and gouges in the wood floor) where the monster just was.

The Countess has returned from Paris and Liz decides that right now is a wonderful time to tell her about his requited love for her boy toy Tristan. She is not happy. “I don’t share.” He suggests they talk to Tristan together.

Alex shows up at home to try to comfort her daughter, but ends up shipping her off to grandma’s. Nice. Lowe wants Alex to stay, but he really knows that she is already lost to him, going back to the hotel. Before she leaves, however, she finds little Bartholomew hiding in the bushes.

Tristand and the Countess and Liz have it out. Accusations are thrown, independences are declared, and the Countess finally agrees to let Liz have him. And then she slits his throat. And to add insult to injury, she makes Liz clean up the mess.

The Countess returns to room 33, and finds Alex there, carrying Bartholomew. Alex explains that he got out, and the Countess is indebted to her for bringing him back. Respect, Alex.

I do hope the writers don’t drop the ball on last week’s “classroom full o’ kid vampires” storyline. I loved the bonkers way that cluster just kept snowballing. It would be a shame to lose that momentum.

I’m also glad that FX is pushing the envelope (hell, they pushed it, pulled it, tore it apart, and rammed it in a shredder) with this (and other) series. It really keeps me on my toes, thinking anything could happen.

See you next week!