Hello, Creeps! If you grew up in the late 80’s to early 90’s, Tales from the Crypt was the show to watch (well after you’d seen every episode of Are You Afraid of the Dark). I would stay up until midnight just to watch big stars trapped in a twisted morality tale–but mainly, for the introduction by the amazing Cryptkeeper and his amazingly terrible puns.
I’ll admit, I never read the Entertaining Comics’ Tales from the Crypt comics, but after the Lost Haunted Mansion panel at ScareLA on Saturday, August 8th, I found out how amazing Captured Aural Phantasy Theater (@CAPTLA) was. For those of you who didn’t read my last article on their reading of the original , they are the perfect combination of vintage radio show and variety stage show, and have a huge love of comics. And compared to the haunted mansion, which focused more on their theatrics, a live reading of two 1954 stories from Tales from the Crypt showcased their voice talent and humor.
3D glasses were handed out, and we were ready to start. Fasten your seatbelts and ready your barf bags, you are on a ride with the Cryptkeeper.
The Strange Couple
(art by Bill Elder, story from Vault of Horror # 14)
Four readers stood atop the stage, each with a unique voice, style, and reading one character. The story starts with a man’s driving in the rain. He comes across a cop who warns him that the bridge is washed out. But he needs to press on, ignoring the cop’s warnings. However, as time goes by, the narrator worries that the rain will short his battery, and it does (only in 1954 can rain make your car stall). Luckily, there is an old house in the distance. “Let’s go see if anyone can help”, he says.
“Knock, Knock, Knock” he knocks at the door. An old couple answer the door and lead him in. The old man goes to fetch his finest wine for the stranger. But the moment he leaves, the old woman warns him “My husband is a vampire!… You must leave”. She also explains that the bottle he is getting is not for wine… but for blood! The narrator notes they are strange, but the man decides to stay. When the wife steps out, the husband approaches the man, “My wife is a ghoul!.. She ate the family dog.” He again notes their strangeness, but cannot leave until help arrives for his car. [CAPT did an amazing job capturing the creepiness in the voices of the old couple!]
As he settles in for the night, he is given two keys for the room. He immediately locks both doors, shoves the bed in front of one, and the dresser in front of the other. His weight should provide enough resistance in case they try to break in. But as he begins to settle down.. “creak… creak… creak..”
“Someone is outside my door!” He exclaims! He revels in his safety, but then the unexpected happens: the wall begins to open. Two panels spread apart, and BOTH the man and the woman are there.
“My bottle is almost empty!” the old man croaks.
“Drain quickly, so that I may feast!” the old woman begs.
The lightning flashes, and he awakes in his car. “Was it a dream?” he wonders. He drives his car, but it doesn’t start. Luckily, there is an old house in the distance. “Let’s go see if anyone can help”, he says.
“Knock, Knock, Knock” he knocks at the door. An old couple answer the door and lead him in. The house starts to feel familiar to him. Was it all a dream? Or was the he living out a nightmare?
The Thing from the Grave
(Art by Joe Orlando, story from Tales From the Crypt # 22)
Get ready for one more 3-D-isgusting tale of horror! Again, four speakers, each having a role, and one narrator.
Jim and Bill were in love with the same woman: Laura. Jim was a gentleman, but Bill was brazen and adventurous. How would Laura ever choose? Luckily, Jim proposed, and her choice seemed right. They were married, but she was always worried what the brazen Bill would do over his scorned love. Jim promised that no matter where he was, he would always return to protect her (foreshadowing much?).
One day, while Jim was traveling for work, a shadow jumped in front of his car. The shadow revealed itself as Bill (dun dun dun) and he’s holding something metal. Bill lunges at Jim, stabbing him with the knife, and Jim slumps over the steering wheel–dead.
“Now Laura is all mine!” Bill gleefully exclaims!
Bill waits a month, and visits Laura. She is remains loyal to Jim and refuses Bill’s advances. He explains that Jim has abandoned her, and she needs a man. But Laura remains strong. Three months go by, and Bill returns. Yet, she refuses him again. He becomes infuriated and admits to her that he killed Jim–and now that she knows, she must die too!
He grabs her and takes her a cabin near where he killed Jim. He locks her in the back room and sets it on fire. As the smoke begins to billow under the door, she screams… and screams again. And her scream literally wakes the dead (oh and the actress really could scream)!
An arm reaches out of the dirt.. a dead, decaying, zombie hand! Next a head, then shoulders, then a body. It’s Jim! He’s come back to honor his promise to protect Laura. As the zombie Jim stumbles towards the cabin, the actor playing him stumbles off the stage and moves through the audience, grunting, moaning, hitting my notes as I write.
Jim moves through the flames to pull Laura out of the cabin. He sets he down safely, and then shambles after Bill. Bill stutters, not believing his eyes, walking backwards away from the zombified Jim. He then trips and falls into a hole–the very hole that Jim climbed out of. Jim collapses on top of Bill, and the Earth fills in around them–burying the two together.
Guess Bill was really buried by his grief. Guess we know what’s really eating him now–bugs! [Cryptkeeper laugh].
Conclusions
CAPT had the perfect blend of cheesy theatrics and wonderful voice talent to really bring the story to life. Reading the story is one thing, but hearing it performed with voices is completely different. If you were lucky enough to have parents do voices for all the characters in your bedtime stories, you’ll know what I’m talking about. Further, it was the perfect compliment to the subject matter. Tales from the Crypt is campy, silly, and funny–with horror elements. So using silly voices for the old couple and the narrator in the second story fit perfectly within the world they created for you. When Jim rises from the grave, the actor became a zombie and stumbled around the audience, grunting, and then returning to the stage to end Bill’s life. These performances were a fun break from all the actual horrors of ScareLA and was family friendly. Slightly older kids would love it, so bring your them and check out their next show!
